So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize