Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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