I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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