Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
