I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
