I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
