hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He kissed a someone with a penis
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
