please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
