Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
