Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
40s are totally the cure
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
