Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
