Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
At least life still wants to fuck me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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