I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
