i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
