i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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