So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just tell him i said nine months
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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