The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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