I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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