I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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