If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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