Can i not drive my cunt home
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
