I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
