you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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