I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
