I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
