i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
