the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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