Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
