best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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