420 ftw
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
