Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
