eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
