i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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