you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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