it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
