I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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