I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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