its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize