I haven't been this sober since birth.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
