I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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