dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
