haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
