i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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