you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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