I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
