At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
