So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
