Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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