We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
