I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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