I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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