If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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