So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
