yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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