i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
