We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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