i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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