What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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